Last night I watched a documentary about Joy Division--- "Joy Division" (Grant Gee, 2007). It's a film I'll recommend rather a lot. Wonderfully done, wonderfully shot. Great interviews--- Bernard Sumner especially. Great video footage. I'd seen "Control" and "Joy Division: Under Review" recently--- both recommendations from Laura-Ashlee at bladeoftheknife. "Joy Division" was her recommendation as well, and one I will pass along, especially to Miss Ginny at ginny_mccoo.

Joy Division meant a lot to me when I was a very petite little long-eared desert (or dessert) hedgehog at De Guzman House in Hakodate. I had both "Unknown Pleasures" and "Closer" on vinyl--- vinyl I kept with me all through grad school. I both "Unknown Pleasures" strictly because of the cover. I remember being in a tiny little hipster record store and seeing the LP. I'd never heard of the band, but the cover just enthralled me on sight. However not--- I was a major J.G. Ballard fan even in high school, and the "Unknown Pleasures" cover was so utterly "Voices of Time". The first time I heard the opening strains of "New Dawn Fades" I was just lost in the music. They still mean a lot. Earlier in the summer I saw that Miss Lissy at emigree had their "Warsaw" on her LastFM tracklist and I had to get it. And I had to load my iTunes up with Joy Division. No coincidence that Laura-Ashlee at bladeoftheknife down at Samford in Birmingham is a major Joy Division fan.

Yes--- I like the covers of "Love Will Tear Us Apart" by Nouvelle Vague and Jose Gonzalez. I even like the New Order cover. There's a shot in "Control" of a list of bands who've covered the song. Hawksley Workman covered it? Now that is an mp3 I wish some lovely, clever, wicked girl would track down for me. I'm rather a fan of Hawksley's "Addicted"--- great song. Miss Lissy in her _iwenthome days was a great Hawksley fan--- tracking down obscure Canadian and Euro vinyl. She had his "Your Naked Body On the Beach (Live)" on her Urban Desolation playlist. That's another track I wish I had. I must ask Miss Ginny at ginny_mccoo and Laura-Ashlee at bladeoftheknife about Hawksley Workman, about whether they like him--- after all, they're both major Jens Lekman fans.

I must ask Miss Ginny about vinyl, about what's in her vinyl collection. She used to write about lying there on the hardwood floor in her Montreal apartment, surrounded by vinyl, smoking her Marlboro Lites while listening to Thai garage psychedelia or '60s Polish soul bands. One day Miss Ginny must get a LastFM site...and must tell me all about her own music collection, vinyl and mp3s both.

Vinyl is all about my Lost Youth. I listened to Robin Lane & the Chartbusters earlier this evening. The lovely Caitlin at kissmecaitlin is a Robin Lane fan. She sat in her family basement as a teen and listened to her older brother's early-'80s New Wave vinyl. Caitie's beautiful friend Stella at stelladellasera sent me a postcard from Cape May. I have to thank Miss Stella for that. Stella and Caitlin have been dear friends since the autumn of the Year Six, and I adore them both. I just wish they'd both write more entries about their lives in the mid-'90s. I so want them to write about their lives as Wicked Schoolgirls, about their Adventures there in Colorado at Bi Slut High.

5. September of the Year Nine... That's the last time anyone called in on my phone. No incoming calls or texts. No late-night Voices on the aether. No lovely happy playful seductive Voices calling at midnight. Nothing from 514, of course. Nothing from 212 or 646 or 917. And nothing from 205. Tomorrow night is Friday. I'll open a bottle of wine and watch "The Art of Travel"--- a recommendation from a girl in 205 ---but no one will call. No flirtations and seductions, not even Trish at kissingverlaine drunk-dialing to be wonderfully slutty.

Cristina Branco is doing fado--- "Pastoras da Estrella" and "Se A Alma Te Reprova". Beautiful, sad, wonderful. Stella at stelladellasera introduced me to fado, to Senhorita Branco. Stella is a major fan of things Portuguese. I do envy her Lisbon nights. "Se A Alma Te Reprova" is so beautiful a thing for dancing with a girl in one's arms. I'd do that with Miss Ginny or Laura-Ashlee. I'd dance with Stella, but...sigh--- I'd never have the nerve to ask her in the flesh. Not because she's a lipstick lesbian and I'm male, but because, well...I'm certainly not attractive or elegant or well-tailored enough to be allowed to ask a girl like Stella to dance.

I wish I could hear from the Other Melissa at kraftig_bewegt. I do need her voice. I miss her more than I can say. I need to ask her all about Schubert and Debussy...even though I'm afraid of triggering her disdain for people who like declasse orchestral or "historical" music. Laura-Ashlee at bladeoftheknife promised me that she'd send me mp3s of Schubert Lieder and Martin Jones doing Debussy. I'll never hear from her again, though. No one will ever call again, let alone call to flirt.

I'll never have a 15-inch MacBook Pro, either. One more clear marker that I'll never be as good as Laura-Ashlee at bladeoftheknife or Miss Lissy at emigree The MacBook Pro is a marker for value as a person, and more to the point, sexual value as well. I'll never have lovers again, never have a lovely wicked panty-free co-ed in my arms.

Dear Charlotte J. Nolan... I so wish I knew what Miss Lissy at emigree writes in her Moleskines when she's spending late-summer afternoons in Central Park. I wish I knew what she was writing and posting--- novel chapters? short stories? poetry? ---at her anatomyoflovers writing site. And of course I need one day to read Miss Ginny's own short stories and poetry. My recollection is that her undergraduate creative writing professors loved her poetry--- and I wish she'd finally critique the stories I sent her.

Reading Darwin biographies... Every time I read about the Beagle and young Darwin setting off at twenty-two for a five-year voyage, all I can think is that I need...a pocket theodolite. And a clinometer. And a geological hammer. Audrey at cadenceme once visited Patagonia. I do envy her that. Just as I envy Darwin seeing Tierra del Fuego from the Beagle. I envy Darwin the Southern Ocean and the Andes, envy him being cut off from home for five years. I do need oblivion. I need to leave everything behind.

Listening to my iPod, of course. The Small Psyduck iPod is a constant companion. But I'm afraid to go to my LastFM site. I need to get messages there, not least from Laura-Ashlee. But I don't know if I can look at her tracklists--- or at Miss Lissy's at WaterColorFire. What I do know is that no lovely clever wicked panty-free girl in skinny jeans is reading my tracklists and finding me valuable or fun or intriguing. And none of my tracklists will ever be as good as theirs.

I can dance like Ian Curtis. We can take that as a given. I don't have his eyes--- his were pale, mine are burnt-sienna. But I can dance like Ian Curtis. I'll probably end up like him. Not the method, but the concept. I listen to Joy Division and try to imagine myself in a Wm. Gibson city. I'd feel safe there. A Wm. Gibson city is always a place where I'd feel safe. Always night, always autumn, always neon-lit and full of exiles' bars. I could listen to Joy Division and feel safe there. But I still wouldn't have a lover--- or be worth a lover.

No one reads this--- I know that. None of the lovely wicked clever literary seductive girls who used to engage in conversations and flirtations with me back in the Year Six leave notes any more. No one goes through my entries with a fine hermeneutical eye looking for messages and references and Stories. I'm not worth that. I'll never have Stories again--- certainly not as good as Laura-Ashlee's or Miss Lissy's. Or even Miss Ginny's. I'll never be worth being part of anyone's Stories.

Thunder outside--- Nachsommer evening lightning, but no rain.

I wish I could hear Voices again--- Laura-Ashlee, the Other Melissa at kraftig_bewegt, Miss Lissy at emigree, Miss Ginny. Trish at kissingverlaine. I have DVDs and pinot gris this weekend. I don't have Voices, or any value.