Sitting at the little coffeeshop downtown very early this morning and saw a lovely, laughing co-ed and her Male Unit walk past toward the little boutique Hilton. She was carrying a pair of cheap, thin flip-flops and was in standard hipster-girl attire--- low-slung skinny jeans and 3/4-sleeve baby tee. But she was soaking wet, the jeans black with water, her hair still dripping. Easy enough to see what she'd been doing, of course. She'd been in the fountains by the Arts Centre. Girls do that, I'm told--- run through fountains, jump into fountains, kiss lovers in laser-lit fountains at midnight. Girls do that. They just don't do it with me.

There are girls who skinnydip in hotel pools or swim naked off beaches in Mexique or Miami. They just don't do it with me. I'm not someone girls want to travel with, and I'm never someone who's part of...fun. I don't do...fun. Or at least I'm never asked to be part of it.

I have three four-packs of Sofia Coppola Minis. I have no idea what I'll ever do with them. I suppose they're meant to be drunk poolside or on the beach or in a hot tub with a lover. That would seem to be the point, after all. And since I'll never have a lover again, let alone be anywhere with a lover...the logic is too depressing to follow up.

Miranda July's short stories. What am I missing? Why am I just not able to get her?

There is supposed to be such thing as an Apple Lifestyle--- having a MacBook Pro, an iPhone, and a high-end iPod, all app-integrated with one another. And there are rumours of some new Apple "tablet" that combines an iPhone and an iPod and has internet capabilities. Not that I understand any of that. I'll never have a MacBook Pro any more than I'll ever have a new car. I'll never be able to afford either. And I'm not cool enough to be part of an Apple Lifestyle anyway. Nothing in my life is cool enough to make me eligible for that. Unlike certain Vanished girls from my Past--- say, Miss Lissy at emigree ---I don't live anywhere cool, know anything cool, or have any possibilities for a future. If you know your way around Chelsea, have a valid MetroCard, and are making a name for yourself as a writer/activist, you probably are cool enough to have an Apple Lifestyle. You can probably also have lovers there on the Skinny Island. Unlike Miss WaterColorFire at LastFM, I'm unable to have lovers or a life. Let alone an Apple Lifestyle.

I still haven't found anyone who'll call me (the house line, not the mobile) and walk me through using my XHD and backing up iTunes. The little external hard drive unit has been sitting on my desk untouched since...February? Despite repeated pleas, I can't get anyone to just call and walk me through using it. I know people who work in IT, people who have seven or eight thousand songs backed up on their own laptop, people who have XHDs to use for projects and writing. But in six months I haven't been able to get anyone to just call an talk me through what to do. I think it long ago stopped being about backing up iTunes and became about whether or not I have any value, whether I'm worth a phone call and ten minutes of tech advice. The answer of course is that I'm not.

Not that I'm worth phone calls at all. No Voices at all this weekend. I haven't heard a human voice since...Thursday? I don't expect any calls tonight. Monday I'll say rote things to people at work, then go home to silence. I'm not expecting calls from anyone. All the Voices that meant something to me all through spring and summer have Vanished. I don't expect any lovely wicked flirtatious seductive voices for the rest of the Year Nine. None of the long-promised calls I've waited for will ever come in.

I still have an LJ Note from Miss Ginny at ginny_mccoo that I'm afraid to open. I'm terrified of what it might say.

Just as a note: I hate it that I have no one to share PostSecret with on Sundays.

There won't be plane tickets or hotel reservations for anywhere this autumn. Not NYC or Montreal or anywhere. There's no one to go with, and there's never any point in travel without a lovely girl with you.

My birthday is 22 November. I usually hope for books...or at least free drinks. (Not that I got either the last couple of years) This year all I want is Blessed Oblivion. That should be easier than free drinks.