There's an LJ Note that Miss Ginny at ginny_mccoo sent me sometime this afternoon. I've been too afraid to open it. Whatever it might say, there's at least some possibility that it might be Bad News.

I'd hoped all Spring to ask Miss Ginny at ginny_mccoo to meet me in NYC this autumn. I'd hoped to have her meet me in Montreal and show me the city. I've never been to Montreal. Having a lovely literary McGill girl show me the city would be brilliant. I'd even meet Miss Ginny in Savannah. I've hoped to meet her for five years now. I don't know how to ask her. And I'd be far too afraid ever to open any LJ Notes.

Reyka-and-tonic Nr. 4 right now. I've been drinking gin-and-tonic at night, trying to drink 'til I can pass out. Tanqueray doesn't work. There's always the chance that Reyka will work better.

In Ann Patchett's "Truth and Beauty" Lucy Grealy trailed stacks of bills behind her--- student loans and medical bills that ran into the hundreds of thousands of dollars. Bills she never paid. I had to admire that. Lucy Grealy never opened her bills. I identified with that. When I graduated law school I had something like twenty thousand dollars in credit card bills that I never paid, that I just walked away from. No one ever sued me, and after three years they lost the right to sue.

Twenty thousand in credit card bills, plus another few thousand in medical bills from a badly infected sinus. I'd never intended to pay the medical bills, and I never paid them anything, either. Not a dime. Never opened any of the bills. I had to admire Lucy Grealy.

That still leaves something like a hundred thousand or so in student loans from law school. I have no idea what the figure might be. I've never opened any of the bills. It's not as bad as my friend Joely. Joely is thirty-eight and has something like three hundred thousand in student loans--- loans, penalties, and interest. She has a JD and an MBA and she's working as a Barnes & Noble clerk in Baltimore. Mine's bad enough--- I know it's into six figures. I never open the statements, and I pay them at random, throw them a couple hundred dollars every so often. Interest, penalties--- I'll never have the loans paid off in my lifetime. Again, like Lucy Grealy. I'll never know what I owe--- not something I can ever look at.

I want very much to ask Miss Ginny to meet me in NYC or show me Montreal. I don't know how to ask her, and I'm far too afraid to open her LJ Note.

I need Notes and e-mail and comments. I'm just afraid to open or read anything that might be Bad News, that might just throw in my face how valueless I am. I can't face the thought of reading things from people like Lissy at emigree or the Other Melissa at kraftig_bewegt or Hannah at likeagirlshould who have real lives, who make me feel inferior and useless. I'll never be in Berlin or Lamu or London. I'll never be able to go to Chelsea or take the Nr. 1 train uptown. I'll never have a Met Adventure again. I'll never leave this town. I'll never have a career that isn't shameful and pathetic. MA, MA, PhD, JD--- but I'll never be able to do any of the things Lissy at emigree will do. I'll never be as good as she is.

I'll never be able to jump rope or run or box like Miss Lissy. Or tie knots. I'll never be able to tie knots or do serious French.

This afternoon I walked out of a restaurant without paying. I didn't mean to. I really didn't. I had lunch and just...walked out. I was almost home when I realised what had happened. I couldn't go back. I just couldn't remember what I'd been thinking.

I want to go to Whole Foods and see if they have Meshti Malone Persian ice cream. I'm just afraid to go out there. I haven't bought anything frozen in years--- too afraid of it melting before I get home. I live in terror of my car not starting, or even of traffic delaying me until things melt. No ice cream, no frozen foods. I really do want to try the Persian ice cream. I just can't drive anywhere and risk driving home with anything frozen.

I sat outside this afternoon and read Jason Elliot's "Mirrors of the Unseen". Very nicely done travel lit about his trip to Iran in the Year Five. A book I'd recommend to Miss Ginny. Elliot visited a horse-breeding ranch north near the Caspian--- an American-born socialite who'd married into Persian nobility in the late Sixties has devoted her life to re-breeding the lost Caspian Horse. I wanted to see that, just as I wanted to see the Assassin castles in the Elburz and the ruins of Persepolis. I wanted to read Sa'adi and Hafiz in Shiraz and Isfahan. I wanted to see all of it. But I never will. Lissy at emigree will get to do language school in London and Paris and Fez. Miss Ginny at ginny_mccoo will get to study languages in Krakow and St.-Petersburg and swim naked off Kenya. I can sit there with Elliot's "Mirrors of the Unseen" or Lonely Planet guides and Matthew Spender's "Within Tuscany" and know that I'll never leave this town again. I didn't get to Orange Beach. I'll never get to Savannah, let alone Manhattan or Montreal or Tallinn. I'll never leave this town.

At the very end of July of the Year Nine I sat up at night and felt empty and valueless and stared at the phone knowing that there would never be Voices out there on the aether for me. For a few weeks there was a Voice there every night. There was someone who talked with me 'til dawn and made me feel loved and valuable and like I had a future. I don't have that any more. I'll never have it again.

There won't be voices on the aether for me. Not ever. There won't be anyone I can meet in NYC or Montreal or Savannah. There won't be notes or comments or e-mails that I can be sure enough about ever to open. There's no way I'll have a lover or a life or leave these rooms or this town.

I'll never be anyone's name in a Facebook Relationship line. No girl will ever post photos at Facebook of travels and events with me. No one will ever be proud or happy to be anywhere with me, or ever want to show me off to friends. I'll never be worth anything as a lover--- never worth anything to a lover.

Long walk, short pier. That's what it's always been coming to.