I can never trust anyone again.

I can never believe anyone's assurances again. Not assurances that everything will be okay, or that I have any value.

I can never have sex again.

I can never go to NYC again. I can never travel again. I can never leave this town again. I should never leave these rooms.

This is worse than when Lissy at emigree Dismissed me and Vanished without a word. It's worse than when the Other Melissa at kraftig_bewegt Vanished without a word.

I will never have a lover again, or be worth anything as a lover.

After what's happened this week, I can't imagine any of my other hopes or plans ever working out. I'd thought all Spring about inviting Miss Ginny at ginny_mccoo to meet me in New York. Or about going to visit Miss Ginny in Montreal. I wanted that very much--- to see Montreal for the first time, or even to wander the Met with her. There's no point in even asking. There's no point in thinking it might happen. Miss Ginny might go to Kenya or Reykjavik or London with a lover. She'd never meet me in New York or Montreal or even Savannah. No one ever will.

I can never trust anyone ever again--- not assurances, not kindnesses, not professions of love.

Short pier, long walk. Japanese Bulimia. I'm running out of reasons not to do one or the other.