I came home today and went out on the upper patio with the Psyduck iPod and a large vodka-lime and watched the rain. I listened to Metric and The Sounds and smoked Parliaments and thought about dancing. It was Ms. Chang who told me about Metric and The Sounds. She gets a major and vur' deep kiss for that.

I may be rather drunk--- which is no bad thing. I may stay that way for a while. I had sushi at lunch, but I won't eat tonight. I like being a bit disoriented.

I made a New Wave playlist on the Psyduck iPod--- Missing Persons was there, and Catholic Girls, and Ultravox. Ms. Chang gets kisses for all of those.

Listening to Catholic Girls sing "A Boy For Me" or Ultravox do "Dancing With Tears In My Eyes" or Stacy Q sing "We Connect", I really wanted to dance out there on the patio. I remembered Lacey's dance floor kisses to all those songs. And listening to them, I found my stride changing as I paced. Those were songs from my Lost Youth, songs from the Land of Lost Content. I really did have more confidence in my movements. For just a little while, I was all in black and moved with utter confidence.

I wrote Kelsey at clush with extracts from my journal from Spring of the Year Seven. I'd commented on the early entries she'd made after coming west from GWU. I called her Flavia in the entries--- a name I've used to disguise girls in the past. I may have called Lexie Flavia once. But it is a favourite name. If ever I have a daughter, she'll be either Alexandra or some variant (Alejandra, Alessandra) or Flavia. Let's take that as a given.

Now I really do hope Kelsey at clush will take a few ACU shirts with her from Daegu to Berlin. I like the ACU camouflage colours, and she'd look good in them. Especially in just the shirts.

PondLife posted a Goldfrapp video last night--- a major delight. I do love Goldfrapp, and I recall that Lissy at emigree had always promised to dance with me to "Black Cherry"...

I recall that Lissy at emigree called her HP laptop Florentine. I can't recall what name she gave her iPod--- was it Roland?

I do need to offer Ms. Chang not just kisses but serious affection and support as well. She found out yesterday that she'd lost someone--- an older half-brother still in Cuba died of cancer over the weekend. Still in his mid-forties--- far too young. I wanted vur' much to be there and offer up caring and support. Ms. Chang leaves for Russia in a week, and she's deeply, deeply upset. I just want to be there for her. I've known Ms. Chang since she was in high school, and while, yes, she's a wicked panty-free girl I'd marry tomorrow, she's also a dear friend. I told her that this Christmas, when I heard from her after too long an absence. Married or not--- she's someone I care about. I want her to do well--- St.-Petersburg, her thesis, her degree, her future. There are vur' few girls I'd say this about: even if not with me, I want her to do well.

Cabaret Voltaire, "Don't Argue"... PondLife may know the song. Rachel at sirena73 probably knows it. Great dance music. I wish I could dance with Lissy at emigree to "Don't Argue" or "Code". And Kelsey at clush, too, I think. And Taci--- the wicked Pallorina in Portland. I do miss Cabaret Voltaire.

Last night late someone called to tell me "for my own good" that Bad Things were happening. I was told that there was a whole conclave of girls discussing what a vile and loathsome and disgusting person I was. I listened--- it's hard not to listen to Bad Things about oneself. After all--- I take it for granted that everything Bad anyone ever says about me must be true. My intelligencer told me that girls were posting things they knew I'd never read, but things nonetheless that said that I was a creature who did Bad Things to girls by phone, who was creepy and contemptible. They mocked the things--- my age, my looks, my visions of sex and love ---that are easiest to mock, the things that are easiest to be spun as shameful. I'm ashamed enough of what I am, and it's all-too-easy to convince me that everything I've ever asked girls to do, everything girls have ever done with me is shameful. I still can't read the comments or notes girls have left--- especially girls I like who've Dismissed me. I just find it something that makes me angry and bitter that girls I've known and liked and felt affection for would Dismiss me without talking to me. I have no idea what it means--- my intelligencer's description ---when someone snarls that I "date rape girls by telephone".

I so miss Cabaret Voltaire.

Metric... I do need to listen to more Metric.

I told Ms. Chang about Halina Poswiatowska's poetry. She does need to find one of the websites--- in both Polish and English ---that have Halina's poetry. I first heard of Halina Poswiatowska from Kelsey at clush--- and she's vur' much someone I want to recommend to girls I like---- Lissy at emigree, Kim at cataplexis, Liz V. at nightmareteeth, KdG at k_navit, Delighted at D-Land... And perhaps AndWeBreathe at D-Land (she's also _manufactured). And I so want to hear what Ginny at ginny_mccoo thinks...

Listening to Heart Throbs, "Cleopatra Grip". A lost band... I love the CD; I love their music. So many girls I know need them on their iPods. They're great music for dancing...or making out.

I still need girls to say that I'm worth packing an overnight kit for...just in case on a first date. That's all I needed: just to hear that I was worth that.

I want to spend the next few weeks getting my German back up to speed... And I want to make time this autumn not just for Dexter Season 3, but for dancing again as well...