MILF, DILF, but there's no Over-Educated Ne'er-Do-Well ILF status. I just thought I'd make a note about that.

I suppose that I will watch "Secret Diary of a Call Girl" on Showtime tomorrow night. It won't be "Dexter" or "The Tudors", but I have spent time reading the blog the show is based on, and the girl who plays Belle--- Billie Piper ---is reasonably attractive. (Yes-- four inches taller and fifteen pounds lighter, but isn't that a given for all the girls I like?) Still... I'll watch it but still be depressed. There's not a chance in hell that I'll ever have the cash or social status needed to be a client of someone like the real-life Belle. Watching characters in "Secret Diary of a Call Girl" have sex in five-star hotels or go to high-end London restaurants and clubs will leave me empty and glum.

I remain baffled and depressed that Lissy at emigree can have her soldier-lover show up at her basement door at four in the morning or (apparently) sleep over and then do breakfast with Lissy and her family. That's just something far outside my experience. I could never imagine doing breakfast with a girlfriend and her family--- I didn't grow up in a time or place where that was a done thing, and of course no girl's family would ever, ever want me breakfasting with their daughter. If I showed up at a basement door at four in the morning, I'd be arrested or (more likely) shot dead. No parents would ever want me anywhere near their daughter, even if said daughter was, say, thirty. It baffles me that Lissy is able to be open about having a lover sleep naked with her in her parents' house, and it depresses me that I'll never be welcome at a girl's basement door or French window--- and no girl is likely to come visit me here.

I'm drinking vodka-and-lime tonight. I didn't bother with dinner. There's no point in eating, and I do have vodka there in the freezer--- a good suggestion from Kelsey at clush. I'll drink vodka, then watch old Red Shoe Diaries episodes. I spent the afternoon looking at Peter Greenaway's "The Falls"--- a waste of a rainy afternoon. I'd rather watch the Red Shoe episodes, even though they'll leave me as depressed and empty as "Secret Diary of a Call Girl" will. Ah, well: I'll tell myself that it's the jazz soundtrack that makes "Red Shoe Diaries" compelling.

Ms. Chang tells me that she's been amused at the amount of porn on her husband's laptop. Since he also has a substantial collection of nude photos of Ms. Chang herself, she's hardly upset. But I did point out to her that I'd never actually download porn to my laptop. The thought of some guy Pounding the Potato in front of a laptop is just...sad. Libet did agree with me--- a beautiful girl indulging in the Solitary Vice while watching DVDs is regarded as wickedly hot, a mere Male there Phoning The Tsar in front of a screen is...pathetic and contemptible. Any Male sitting there Activating the Joystick at his laptop is open to mockery and derision. There's probably an entire monograph there--- something about the divergent ways the Solitary Vice is seen for beautiful girls and mere Males. Girls talk with one another openly about buying vibrators; no Male could ever do that. It's shameful as a Male to admit ever to Canning The Ham. The Solitary Vice raises a girl's hotness quotient, but marks a Male as contemptible--- e.g., the different attitudes about phonesex by gender. And this is something that none of the sex blog girls will ever write about--- even sex blog girls share the general contempt for male indulgence in the Solitary Vice.

When I watch "Red Shoe Diary" episodes, I make a clear point of keeping both hands firmly in view and away from my body at all times. Let's have no question about that. I take vur' little unmediated physical pleasure in sex (or anything else), and I'm far too sensitive to the social nuances and rank-hierarchy Rules and pitfalls to put myself in a position where I can be accused of pathetic or downscale activities or fetishes. Sex for me is always and ever about films-in-the-head: style, locations, Stories, settings, costumes, scenarios, backstory. It's not about flesh. After all--- as a male, being naked is just...Wrong. The character I play in the films in my head would never indulge in any activity that could be spun as contemptible or pathetic, even if he had to give up sex-in-the-flesh altogether.

Yes--- MILF, DILF, but no acronym for anything that I am that has ILF attached. No girl would ever come by my basement door at four in the morning, and I'd never risk doing that myself. Lissy can buy vibrators and take them on trips. She can be open about having a lover sleep over. But Lissy at emigree is a Co-ed ILF--- she's clearly that. I can watch "Secret Diary of a Call Girl" or "Red Shoe Diaries" or read about Ms. Flox at besideserato 's Past and Stories or read about Stella at stelladellasera. But I'll never be any lovely courtesan's client, and I'll certainly never be anybody's ILF choice.